Whining

Right then, I’m just not feeling myself today.  After some crazy number of weeks, (44 I think,) of treatment I am feeling somewhat defeated.  How craptastically insane is that?  I have 9ish weeks left.  The fucking light is at the end of the longest damn tunnel in the world.  All I want to do is curl up with my favorite blanket, my dog, & cry.  Only problem with that is that my sweet girl isn’t here anymore to help me feel better.  I’m tired of feeling sick & tired.  My stomach aches constantly, I have absolutely no endurance & I just want to feel normal again.  I want to be able to climb the stairs without being so out of breath by the time I get to the top that I can’t open the damn door.  I am so over feeling weak.  I want food & water to taste like it is supposed to again. 

I know, I was out of the Lexapro for almost a week, & damn!  This really sucks stinky socks.  Now I know why they put me on an antidepressant in the first place.  I picked it up today btw, so I hope to be back to my normal, “FUCK CANCER,” self in a day or three.  In the mean time I am battling the desire to curl up & cry.  It sucks that we don’t have a wellness room at work where I can go release the pressure behind my eyes.  I can’t stop them from leaking, but I can’t totally break down here either.  I work with mostly men, and you know they can’t handle crying of any sort.  They can barely handle half of the shit that gets thrown our way.

They don’t need to see me like this.  Hell, I don’t need to see me like this.  Yuck!  Still, I know the end is near, I just have to buck up for another 2.5 months.  I can do this, I can.  I need to finish this so I never have to go through any of it again.  In the mean time, I’m going to cry for awhile, and maybe whine a little more.