Hi all,
I do apologize for not showing my pen on-line of late. I have been remiss, for that I am
sorry. I have been trying to adjust to
life post treatment. I’ve been told I
need to just get over it, (the ‘it’ in this case is cancer.) Now I won’t mention names, because I love the
person who said it, but seriously folks.
Can anyone ever go back to being the same person after having the big
C? Can anyone go back to living the same
life after chemo? In my world the answer
is no.
I’m sorry if this worries anyone, or if you don’t like that
answer. I’d be
lying if I said otherwise. Hell, just
saying cancer stirs up an irrational fear in people. I
still remember when no one said the word out loud. It was whispered for fear that someone might
hear in the next room. My friends &
my shrink all agree that I’m just fine.
I’m never going to get over having cancer. No one does.
Life changes after a diagnosis like that. I think differently, I act differently, I
react differently. I’m just not the same
person I was pre-cancer. It is what it
is folks! Honestly I think this is a good thing. I'm more aware of things, not just regarding my health. I notice things I didn't notice before. I try so very hard to see things in a more positive light. I try to maintain a positive outlook in life, and I try to see the good in people more often. Everyone has moments in life that are difficult. No one will make it through his life unscathed, no one. We are all just doing the best we can with what life throws our way. I am more likely now to take a break and notice the flowers instead of spending the day doing laundry. My mother will not like that last statement much, but she will appreciate the flowers part.
Allow me to scream it at the top of my lungs, ‘FUCK CANCER!’ I hate cancer. I loathe it with every fiber of my being. I hate how helpless and weak it makes me
feel. I also hate that it makes me feel
like a failure. Somewhere in my mind I
feel as if I brought this on myself. The
logical part of my brain says no, but there is that little corner of doubt that
says I did this, I’m to blame. It is
completely irrational of course. I know this,
it is still there hovering in the back of my mind, waiting.
My father was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. A cancer that is incredibly scary. This is one of those with the highest
mortality rates. The first thing I did
was e-mail my oncologist to let him know to add it to my medical history and
see if he had any wisdom or advice.
Alas, without more information, there wasn’t much he could say. I understand he has to be careful. I understand he doesn’t want to cause undue
worry or fear without proper labs & pathology. That I totally get.
My twin, Brian, & Dad.
They look so much alike!
The men in my family are quite handsome.
I even went to the livestrong website and considered signing Dad
up for their guidebook & workbook. I
have one and it is great. Mom asked me
to wait to see if he wanted it first.
They also have people you can talk to about your diagnosis. These folks aren’t just Dr.’s, they are
survivors. They know what you are going
through. It is important to have someone
to talk to who gets it, someone who understands the anger and the fear. Sadly, I'm not sure he would use it. I love it, Brian would use it as both he & his lovely wife, DJ, are the most organized people in the family.
I researched treatment centers closer to home so Mom & Daddy
wouldn’t have to make the trip in to Wichita as it is a long drive. I know what it is like to have to
drive after chemo. I did it, there were days when that sucked, but I managed it. I can't imagine driving long distance though. A few of my fellow patients drove over an hour for treatment. Thankfully they had someone to bring them and to drive home. My drive after treatment was a mere 10-15 minutes depending on traffic.
I
watched parents bring their children in for treatment. I watched them leave the room to cry so their
kids wouldn’t see. Someone has to be
strong. I didn’t let my folks see me cry
when I was diagnosed or during treatment.
I tried not to let them know how scared I was. I didn’t want them to worry about me because
I was so far away and there wasn’t anything they could do even if they were
here. I didn’t really talk to them about
it in those terms. I told them I was
tired, or nauseated, but I tried to be upbeat, or make a joke of it. Why make them worry needlessly when there
isn’t anything they can do to help? They worry enough just being parents.
I had a call the other day from someone who told me I had to come home
NOW, that I shouldn’t wait until he was gone.
I got the call at work. I
understand the panic cancer causes. I
do, but that call was tactless. This is
the same person who did the same thing when I was in high school to let me know
my grandmother was senile. She wasn’t
senile, she was losing her memory, but she wasn’t senile. She was confused and frightened, not
senile. I understand the panic, but when I'm at work, upsetting me is not a great idea. I'm embarrassed that I let her get to me to the point I was crying. It isn't easy to maintain respect in the office when you end up in tears due to one tactless person.
Another person thinks I’m not taking this seriously enough. These people have no idea how much I
understand what Dad is going through. I
know their heart is in the right place, but their execution leaves something to be desired. Apparently they think I am
completely clueless on the whole topic of cancer. Yeah, I’ve only had it twice, I’m just a dumb
fucker. I don’t mean to be rude or
tactless myself, but damn! What do I
have to do to let them know I get it? I
can’t really jump on a plane without getting things sorted here first. I also have to beg for time off from
work. I used up all of my leave during
chemo. I won’t have any time accrued
until at least August. I’m also still
paying the hospital. Sadly my life is
still run by cancer, treatment & various therapies. I’ll be paying that bill for a while. Have I mentioned that insurance companies
suck? They do! While we are at it, Fuck Insurance companies
too! They are another necessary
evil.
Fuck Cancer!
I do want to go home, but I want to go when I can be of use to Mom
& Dad. If I left tonight and got
there tomorrow morning, Dad would be pissed! I don’t want to irritate him further right
now. He already doesn’t feel well. I’m afraid I would just exacerbate
things. He needs to rest and feel better
more than he needs people to hover. He
doesn’t like it when people hover, I understand this completely. He is and always has been a get things moving
kind of person.
He is going to get through this.
He is going to go home soon. He
is going to be fine, but like me, life isn’t going to be the same. I know the above statements will piss people
off, but it is how I feel. My motto is
prepare for everything, but hope for the best possible outcome.
Adding further irritation, I got the news this morning that
another friend is in the hospital battling lung cancer. It is in her lungs & spine. There will be further tests to see if it has
moved into her brain as well. I haven’t
heard on that front recently though. One
would think that someone who survived breast cancer would be done with all of
this shit. She certainly deserves better
than this! Everyone does.
Fuck Cancer and the horse it rode in on!
Zoe
