#WhyIDidntReport

This has nothing to do with cancer.  Or maybe it does because violence against women is a social cancer in the world today. 

This is not a happy blog post so be warned.  It is ugly, it is humiliating, it is sad, and it is angry!  I am ANGRY!


I am sickened by what is happening in America today.  Women are called names if they call out their abuser a day, a week, or even 30 years after the fact.  Time and again women are told to shut up and just live with it.  I'm here to tell you that is complete BULLSHIT!  Men and boys, (and some few women,) should not get a pass for having been abusive to anyone - Ever!  

The Pseudo-Christian political right calls Women whores and liars, and shames them for being a victim while giving the men who commit the crime a get a free pass.  Women are vilified in the media.  They are scrutinized by everyone and thought of as seeking their spotlight moment.  Trust me, no woman would want that kind of attention.    

"Rape is a severely under-reported crime with surveys showing dark figures of up to 91.6% of rapes going unreported.  Prevalence of reasons for not reporting rape differ across countries. They may include fear of retaliation, uncertainty about whether a crime was committed or if the offender intended harm, not wanting others to know about the rape, not wanting the offender to get in trouble, fear of prosecution (e.g. due to laws against premarital sex), and doubt in local law enforcement."  Let us not forget humiliation, fear, and public ridicule and shaming here either.

Here are a few quotes from republicans on rape.

Todd Aiken (R-MO) - "If its a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole think down." or "You say you got pregnant from a rape?  That just means you enjoyed it."

Rick Santorum (R-PA) - "Rape victims should just make the best of a bad situation."

Richard Murdock (R-IN) - "Even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape it is something that God intended to happen."

Lawrence Lockman (R-ME) - "If a woman has (the right to an abortion), why shouldn’t a man be free to use his superior strength to force himself on a woman? At least the rapist’s pursuit of sexual freedom doesn’t (in most cases) result in anyone’s death."

Paul Ryan (R-WI) - Rape as an "alternative form of conception."

Let us not forget this oldy but goody;  Clayton Williams (R-TX) - "Rape is kinda like the weather.  If its inevitable, relax and enjoy it."


Are you Fucking Kidding me?!?


As if rape or even attempted rape is the woman's fault, as if it is a woman's problem.  Violence against women is not a Woman's issue.  It is a men's issue because it is men who commit the crime.  We have to stop giving men a pass for bad behavior.  We have to stop blaming women for being attacked.  It is men holding power over someone they perceive as weak.  It is men using women to make themselves feel strong.  

Brock Turner rapes a young unconscious woman on the ground outside of a party, is caught, tried, and convicted but gets only 6 months in jail and only 3 years probation.  Yes, he has to register as a sex offender.  Big fucking deal.  The poor woman he raped will have nightmares and trust issues for the rest of her life!

Lets look at a few other facts:

1. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that nearly 1.3 million American women were victims of rape or attempted rape every year.

2. Half of all attempted rapes will result in an actual rape being completed.

3. RAINN statistics show that 64,000 women per year are raped, citing data from the Justice Department.

4. Up to 6 in 10 rape attempts will not be reported to law enforcement officials, which may account for the large disparity in numbers.

5. A 1996 study found a national rape-related pregnancy rate of 5% per rape among victims between the ages of 12 and 45.  When study samples are expanded to the entire population, it is estimated that between 3,200 to 50,000 rape related pregnancies occur every year.  The figures about women becoming pregnant from rape are all about 20 years old, but there isn’t any new data that has been published since.

6. 1 out of 6 women will have been the victim of a rape or rape attempt at some point in her lifetime.  17.7 million. That’s the number of women who are survivors of rape right now.

7. 90% of rape victims are women.  Yes folks, it can happen to men too.  Mostly though it is women who are raped.  

When I was in middle school and high school, I was picked on by one boy in class.  It went on for years and got progressively worse.  This was a daily occurrence.  It was one humiliation after another.  

When I told my parents or a teacher, it was always, "oh, he likes you," take it as a compliment.  I was told 'Boys will be boys.'  All I could think of was, how could being called really bad names mean 'he likes me?'  Why should he get a pass for being an ass?  If I was that mean to someone, I'd be in big trouble.  It was awful, so I quit telling anyone.  I only have ugly memories of that period of my life.  How can he get a pass for telling me that the world would be better if I just died.

What started out as teasing progressed to being called horrible names, to being pinched, punched, and stabbed with pins or needles.  Finally I got hit in the face at a football game as he and his friends laughed at me while shouting what a loser I was, and how ugly I was.  How I would never be worth anything, and that I should never have been born.

This went on for nearly 6 years.  A cousin finally saw me crying after being hit in the face and faced off with this person.  I was terrified that I would go to school the next day and would be beaten worse than before.  I was humiliated.  I was terrified.  Worse, no adult believed me.  No one listened to me.  I felt like somehow it was my fault.

Years later, in college I was raped.  No, I didn't report it.  Experience taught me by this point that this humiliation would only get worse if I told anyone.  I saw how other girls had reported their attacker and been further humiliated by his friends, the police, and the public.  Women were vilified for being attacked whether by a friend or a stranger.  We are told that we asked for it by drinking, by wearing sexy clothing, or by being out alone at night.  (I was wearing jeans, a sweater, scarf, and coat when I was attacked by a stranger.  I was with friends but walked out to my car to leave.) 

I had a roommate in college who had survived being gang raped by 5 men.  They had knives and as each man mounted her, they told her she was going to die.  She was stabbed, she was sliced, she was beaten.  She was extremely lucky to have survived.  She was a virgin up until the attack.  She later found out she was pregnant due to that attack.  She is emotionally scarred to this day.  That is something that will never really be behind her.  The men were never caught.  How many others did they rape or kill?  

Another time I wasn't feeling well so I walked down to the convenience store for some stomach medicine.  I was wearing jeans and an oversized sweatshirt.  Several men drove by calling me a whore and telling me what they would do with me.  I approached a police officer to tell him what happened as they drove by and did it again.  He said it wasn't his problem and that I should just live with it - obviously I did something to deserve it.  These guys drove by three more times and then followed me as I walked back home.  It was frightening, it was humiliating, I didn't feel safe.  If you can't report feeling afraid to a police officer, who also witnesses the intimidation and harassment, what else is there to do?  I went home and locked my door.

Several years later, I answered my door to a young woman crying.  She had stumbled away from a frat party where she had awoken in a room with her underwear missing and no idea what happened.  She ran and ended up at my apartment.  I brought her in and calmed her down.  She just wanted to go back to get her purse but was afraid.  I took her, and stayed with her to get her purse.  I asked her if she wanted to go to the police.  She looked terrified of that thought and just asked me to take her home.  I reported the fraternity to the Greek council and was told that since I wasn't a member of a Greek house my word held no sway.  Boys will be boys after all.  It was all in fun.  I assured them that the young lady I helped home was not having fun.

Why am I posting this now?  Because I am older, wiser, and I'm fucking angry!  I have spent my entire life in fear because of men who abused me, hurt me, and harassed me.  I am angry that people blamed me for it.  I am angry that I was not taken seriously.  I am angry that I am still afraid of men.  I am angry that I still am afraid to trust people.  I am angry that I still have nightmares about a boy telling me the world would be a better place if I were dead.

Yup, Grief sucks.

Right then confession time;

I cant get motivated to get out of bed on the weekends.  I sleep, I binge watch Netflix, I cuddle with Zoe.  It has been almost a year since Daddy Passed and a little less since we lost Mom.  If I am to be completely honest, I'd have to admit that I'm not coping so well with their loss.  Sometimes I cry, mostly I try not to.

My house is a wreck, granted there have been some maintenance and repair setbacks in the way but it is a mess and may be contributing to my inability to drag myself out of bed on the weekends.  It is a bit overwhelming.  I have one room which is mostly clean at the moment.  I removed everything so i could rip out the wall to wall carpeting.  I was planning on priming the ceiling and walls, but wasn't able to drag myself out of bed today.  I feel guilty, but it is like I have no will.  I'm weak.  I'm incredibly overweight, and I'm yeah, kind of really sad.  Mom and Daddy would be so pissed if they were here right now.

Yeah, kind of needing a kick in the ass right about now.

I just realized I never blogged about losing Daddy then Mom. 

Last year about this time I went out to NM to visit Mom and Daddy.  I flew into Santa Fe, Daddy picked me up from the airport.  It was wonderful to see him.  I had absolutely no idea the week would spiral out of control.  I was going to get to spend time with Mom and Daddy, and my brother Brian and his family. 

About my second day in, I got a call from Dad, he said he wasn't able to get up and he couldn't feel his leg.  I ran over from feeding mom and ordered an ambulance to take him to the hospital.  The emergency room doctor wasn't great.  He honestly seem not terribly concerned and ordered a lidacane patch and called it sciatica.  Long story short, Dad got worse.  We ended up back at the ER and a new Dr. said he had a clot blocking flow to his right leg.  The sent him to the Heart Hospital in Albuquerque, I followed the ambulance and spoke to the doctors there.  They tried to save Dad's leg with an angiogram.  It wasn't successful.  Dad was 80 years old and he was tired of watching Mom fade a little more each day.  His heart was broken watching her lose her memories. 

Brian got there shortly after Dad came out of surgery.  The surgeon was very kind but Dad refused amputation.  I completely understand.  He was ready to go. I know this in my head, but my heart still hurts.  We respected his decision.  The surgeon agreed as Dad may not have survived the amputation and it would have been a painful way to go. 

Brian, Joel and I  stayed with him, his sisters came down, as did Jamie & Jeff, our cousins.  A couple of guys who worked for Dad came down so say Goodbye.  Even got a chuckle out of Dad while they were there.

We stayed until Dad was gone, then the Aunts and cousins left.  Brian, Joel and I stayed to make arrangements. 

40 days later Brian called to let me know that Mom passed quietly in her sleep. 

So, that was almost a year ago and I'm still grieving. 

Yeah, grief sucks.