A few thoughts on life, death, and regrets.

I have been thinking a lot about death of late.  There seem to be a large number of people crossing over.  I've also been asked to get my will put together.  Honestly if you want something, let me know.  I don't have much but I certainly can't take it with me.  I am not afraid to die.  I don’t want to die, but I am not afraid should that runaway bus with my name on it come at me.  When it does come, I hope it is mercifully quick and a long, long time from now.  I wish I had done more with my life of course.  I spent too much time in school.  I didn’t get wild or crazy while there.  I pretty much always played it safe.  I said no too often because I didn’t have the money, or I didn’t feel it was right.  I wish I had said yes more often.  Isn’t it funny that regrets run toward the ‘what you didn’t do’ more often than what you did do?

There was a guy I dated in college while he was deployed in Germany; he was gone for 3 years.  I should have broken up with him when he left and gone out with other people.  He cheated on me while he was gone & broke my heart.   There were people who asked me out and I always said no because of Joe.  I regret saying no.  I might have found that right person to love, who would love me.  We might have had a family.  I wanted a family but now it is too late.  I do feel like I have missed out on the love and family experiences in this life.  That bums me out quite a bit actually.  I am more at peace with it now that I was say 5 or 7 years ago.  I’m also still mildly annoyed at a former friend who will never allow herself to be without a man and really find out who she is.  She had the audacity to get angry with me that she wasn’t enough for me to just be happy alone.  I’m not sure I understand it either, but we aren’t friends anymore for much more than just that.  I am glad I knew her.  Her lesson to me was in setting boundaries.  I am better for having learned that lesson and I thank her for it.  It is o.k. to help people, but not at the expense of self.  I am still learning to take care of myself first.  I am worthy of happiness – yeah, still working on that bit.
Now I live alone and my parents worry, since I’m in treatment, that I’ll fall down and no one will be here to find me before I expire.  I don’t want them to worry about me – another regret.  I know I’ll be fine, but there isn’t anything I can say that will make them worry less.  Cancer is like a four letter word that scares the hell out of people.  It is the whisper in corners that suddenly gets quiet when you walk by.  I don’t want this disease to be quiet.  I want it to be loud, obnoxious, & in-your-face.  I hate my scar, but part of me wants everyone to see the ugliness in it so that they will consider protecting themselves, their family members, and spread the word to their friends.  Don’t use tanning services!  Protect yourself in the sun!  I want to yell it in public.  Sadly I’m not a yell it in public kind of person, so I mention it in the check-out line at the store.  I tell people to apply sunscreen, to protect their skin.  They probably think I’m nuts, but I feel compelled to warn them.  The sun is powerful and we have depleted our protective ozone layer too much, it isn’t coming back.  We are no longer protected, now we need to protect ourselves and each other.  I must be nuts to talk to strangers in the elevator about it.  I just want people to be aware.  There isn’t an organization like the Komen foundation for melanoma.  Apparently our numbers are still too small, or we are too quiet.  No one seems to understand why I want to stand up and yell.  Since my second diagnosis, I want to scream at people who tan.  It may look healthy, but it isn’t, later you will regret it.  I was never big into tanning, I usually used sunscreen.  I now don’t go out without putting sunscreen on.  I still got the disease.

I haven’t traveled like I wanted.  I have always worried about money instead.  Just once I’d like to say yes to a trip somewhere fun and not worry about the cost.  I am pledging to save up for a vacation.  I’ll go alone if I need to.  I can’t really count on anyone to go with me, so why not go by myself?  I do have a huge list of places I’d love to go.  Sadly it won’t be this year.  I will stay here and finish out my treatment so that I will have a long time to go experience new people & places.  I do dream about going to Wales one day.  I’d like to do a walking tour.  That sounds like great fun to me.  I’d also like to spend some time in Argentina learning the tango.  I’d also like to go to New Zealand.  I want to spend 2 weeks in Tuscany taking cooking & wine classes.  I think it would also be fun to go to Greece and do the same thing.  Hell, I’d love to take time to go everywhere and learn the regional cuisine.  A few weeks on a boat sailing the Mediterranean learning to fish, clean & cook.  That would also be nice.  I would just have to keep a parasol & sunscreen with me. 

I wonder there aren't more autumnal or spring vacation advertisements?  Why do we think of vacations as being either summer beachy or winter ski activities?  I would love to go see the spring flowers somewhere new.  Oh dear, that is a whole blog topic isn't it?

I seem to have digressed a bit here, oh well.  It happens.  I forgive me.

What is the Moral of this incredibly long rambling?  You are worthy of happiness, you are worthy of being a priority in your own life!  Love, accept & respect yourself.  I'm still working on all of the above.