Whining

Right then, I’m just not feeling myself today.  After some crazy number of weeks, (44 I think,) of treatment I am feeling somewhat defeated.  How craptastically insane is that?  I have 9ish weeks left.  The fucking light is at the end of the longest damn tunnel in the world.  All I want to do is curl up with my favorite blanket, my dog, & cry.  Only problem with that is that my sweet girl isn’t here anymore to help me feel better.  I’m tired of feeling sick & tired.  My stomach aches constantly, I have absolutely no endurance & I just want to feel normal again.  I want to be able to climb the stairs without being so out of breath by the time I get to the top that I can’t open the damn door.  I am so over feeling weak.  I want food & water to taste like it is supposed to again. 

I know, I was out of the Lexapro for almost a week, & damn!  This really sucks stinky socks.  Now I know why they put me on an antidepressant in the first place.  I picked it up today btw, so I hope to be back to my normal, “FUCK CANCER,” self in a day or three.  In the mean time I am battling the desire to curl up & cry.  It sucks that we don’t have a wellness room at work where I can go release the pressure behind my eyes.  I can’t stop them from leaking, but I can’t totally break down here either.  I work with mostly men, and you know they can’t handle crying of any sort.  They can barely handle half of the shit that gets thrown our way.

They don’t need to see me like this.  Hell, I don’t need to see me like this.  Yuck!  Still, I know the end is near, I just have to buck up for another 2.5 months.  I can do this, I can.  I need to finish this so I never have to go through any of it again.  In the mean time, I’m going to cry for awhile, and maybe whine a little more. 

Side Effects Update

Thursday:

Have I told you lately that I really don’t like IV’s?  Well, I’ve had two this week so far, (not as bad as the 3+/week in January.)  My ride in the MRI machine was nothing if not loud and shaky.  Thank heaven they gave me a free pair of earplugs.  Hmmm, they might be included when I get the bill.  Dang, oh well, earplugs are cheap right?  Right then, the ride.  So, I suspect I was in the machine for about 20 minutes total with the ka-chunk-ka-chunk-ka-chunking and the shake-shake-shaking.  The darn thing would pause for a minute and start up again and I’d twitch again.  It was a bit uncomfortable in that tube, but I closed my eyes and tried to imagine relaxing in a lovely meadow.  It didn’t work, but I kept trying..  The contrast for my second ride was friggen cold, I think they had just taken it out of the refrigerator.  I am happy to report that I got a pre-warmed blanket for the ride.  That was the best part of any MRI as that room has to be kept really cold to keep the machine from overheating.

After my ride in the very loud & shaky machine the nurse removed my IV, (Yay!) and the room didn’t completely spin when I stood up.  I’m taking that as a very good sign.  Getting up too quickly still makes me woozy so I try to move slowly while the earth evens out beneath my feet.  It is getting better and there is no headache today.  Woo-Hooo! 

Not a long missive, but there you go.  More info will be forthcoming when I get the news from the Medical College of VA this afternoon.

Friday after work, but before treatment, I went to a barber to have my head shaved, like a real shave.  I had no idea how luxurious getting shaved was.  I got to pick out the shaving cream by scent.  The gentleman warmed it and applied it to my head.  Man that felt luscious, then he applied a hot towel, again wow!  Then after a few minutes to let my head soak in the goodness he put on some more shaving cream and shaved my head.  Talk about sexy!  I have a beautiful cranium.  Now I know how my brother’s feel, and it is good!

This was the best weekend I’ve had in months!  I felt so good I grabbed my camera and went out into the world.  I didn’t manage to take any pictures, but I did have some fun.  I had breakfast Saturday morning – Bacon waffles = yum!  Then I went shopping with my very good friend Mary Bergman.  She has an eye for jewelry in pawn shops.  I splurged and got myself a ruby necklace.  I probably spent too much money, but I love it!  Now I just need a bracelet to match.  Next time.

Saturday I went and saw my friend Karen & have a beer.  God I’ve missed her!  I even managed to get some puppy loving in.  What a joy to be out in the world.  Then I went home and relaxed in a nice warm tub with some salts & heavenly scents before bed. 

I hope your weekend was as nice as mine.  I am going to savor it as I'll probably be back on treatment tonight.  It'll be tough, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

love and hugs to all!

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More side effects? I Decline, thankyouverymuch.

A short update for your Wednesday.  I know I’ve been remiss in my updates.  I hope to get on that again soon, like now actually.  My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders today so I thought I’d ramble on e-mail for a bit.  Maybe I can get it to wake up and fire up a few cylinders in the process.

I do love my Dr. & his sense of humor.  We had a lovely exchange Monday morning.  His sense of humor only goes so far though.  I am scheduled for an MRI of my brain tomorrow morning.  I had a whopper of a headache yesterday, it kept me home from work.  That got them worrying along with the dizzy spells, hence the MRI.  I’ll have yet more proof that I do in fact have a brain – Yay!  Though it has been confirmed in several scans thus far, it is always nice to have confirmed again, and again. 

I had a few really good weeks, meaning low side effects.  Then over the weekend I started having dizzy spells.  This isn’t normal for me unless I have some kind of inner ear thing going on, so I mentioned it to my Dr.  They say laughter is the best medicine, I tend to agree with that notion, thankfully so do my medical providers.  We try to joke when we meet.  Monday they said I looked pale so they gave me a Liter of fluids while I waited for my treatment.  I tried to drink water yesterday, I probably still didn’t drink enough.  Hell, I was in the bathroom half of the day so maybe I did get enough. 

Monday’s treatment was a little rough.  I hadn’t had the full gambit of side effects since May so it was a bit of a surprise when the chills started.  The fever hit around 11:30 or so but it only went as high as 101.4^oF.  I texted in my temp anyway.  My nurse likes to get texts from me when exciting things happen.

Work has been incredibly supportive of my treatment thus far, thank heaven!  They are working to make sure I don’t do overtime.  Honestly I don’t think I’ve put in a full 40 in months.  I try to work extra on Tuesday & Thursdays to make up some of the time, but my energy hasn’t been up enough to do so.  I imagine I’ll be using the rest of my vacation time to finish out treatment.  It’ll suck, but that’s life.  Here’s hoping I won’t have any more crazy side effects showing up for the next 5.5 months.  I’m going to take my lesson in all of this as: don’t get cancer – again!

Other than that, I think I’m doing pretty well.  I’m still sporting no hair, though it needs trimmed.  I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling incredibly lazy and it is about 3/16” long.  I still look foxy fine!  Yeah, that might be a bit of an over statement, but I feel pretty good about my lack of hair.  I managed to find a nice & inexpensive pair of big gold hoop earrings to go with my lack of hair.  Andrea sent me the best soft fuzzy brown hat on the planet.  It kind of makes me look like I have hair.  Maybe I’ll get a photo to include in this missive so you can see how awesome I look.  Feel free to give a good chuckle. 

First time bald @ Irish festival with the Bergman family.  You know you have an awesome best friend when she shave’s her head with you.  I think we look fabulous!

I love this photo & think it needs to go on my wall.  Mary – Thoughts?  That was an awesome day! 

This is with a smidgen of hair.  I’m not usually photogenic so forgive the face.  Yes, I do need to trim my hair back down to the scalp.  I really like the no hair look & it is so freakin easy.  A small bottle of shampoo lasts & lasts.  Yes, I need a trim.

Further updates since I wrote the above missive..  I was denied treatment today as they are concerned about toxicity.  They want to see what is up with the MRI tomorrow, then we will resume treatment Friday, I hope.  This means Friday’s treatment will be full of SUCK!  Having 3 days off can be painful.  I’m hoping it won’t be as painful as the 5 days off I had in May or the 5 days I'll have off for Labor Day.  I tried to convince them to continue, but they said no.  The dizzy thing was worrisome.  My other nurse, Jane, said she would call me tomorrow, or have Dr. Pok call me tomorrow.  Someone will call me tomorrow.

Ah well!  Such is life I suppose.  Now for a nap!

Be well my friends,
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Grief

I don’t use my front door often.  Sometimes packages will sit there for a few days without my  noticing them.  I should really check daily, but life intervenes and I am easily distracted.  I managed to notice it, brought it in, and wondered what I had ordered from Amazon, I hadn’t ordered anything, had I?  It was a package from a former high school classmate who read on FaceBook that I had just put down my dog, Abby.  Abby was my best girl.  Anyone who has beloved pets knows that there is a special bond between a dog & his person.  No one shows love like a dog.  They are happy to see you every day, no matter what.  They openly show their love for us, they hold nothing back.  They don’t judge, they only love.  Animals are so much more loyal than fickle humans.  We are flawed in that respect.  Animals are honest to a fault.

Anyway, Shaye sent me the most amazing book, “The last will & testament of an extremely distinguished dog, by Eugene O’Niell.”  It took me time to read it as it makes me really miss my big girl.  I read a bit & cry a little.  I am sure you already know that I am a long time sap.  This book says so eloquently what animals continually show us.  We have much to learn about unconditional love and we should take the time to learn these very important things in life from them.  Things are just things.  What is important is your relationships we have with one another.  They are patient teachers, even with those of us who are stubborn, or a little slow.  Anyone who has lost a beloved pet needs to read this book.  We need to spread love & faith in the world.

I so miss my girl, but hesitate to get another dog any time soon.  It would be unfair of me to replace my girl when I am still grieving her absence.  Also, while undergoing treatment it would be unfair to get a dog when I am so tired I can’t walk him or her.  It wouldn’t be fair of me to adopt another dog at this time.  I’ll wait until my heart doesn’t hurt so much.  I’d also hate to compare a new pup to my wonderful girl.

I brought my girl home Monday last week.  In the book there is a page that says; “Whenever you visit my grave, say to yourselves with regret but also with happiness in your hearts at the remembrance of my long, happy life with you; ‘Here lies one who loved us and whom we loved.”  When I finally find that final resting place for her, I will remember this book.  Some day I'll adopt another dog.  I am sure, much like Abby, he or she will find me.  It will take time, but I will adopt again.

Thank you Shaye!  I will never realize the depth of your grief for your daughter.  I can't pretend to know what that is like.  I would never presume to try.  You gave me a comfort in my grief with your kindness.  For that I am grateful.  Please let me know if I can do the same for you.  I miss my girl every day.

When we grieve those we love, we carry them with us always.  We bring the love they gave us into our hearts, it is right that we should spread that love to others.

Love & many, many Hugs,

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Memorial Day

First off I’d like to apologize for not updating anyone for a long while.  I’ve been battling nausea quite a bit.  I have yet to lose the contents of my stomach, so that is good.  Zofran dulls it a bit and the Compazine helps me get to sleep when it is keeping me up, but nothing completely kills it, & they have their side effects as well.  Unfortunately there are days when it is pretty bad and neither drug really touches it.  Sundays are usually the best day as I’ve been off of the treatment for an extra day, but I am hoping today is great too.   No Treatment on Memorial Day, the clinic is closed.  This of course means that Wednesday’s treatment is going to be hard on me. 

In February I took a 2 week break from treatment.  When the maintenance phase started up, it started with a vengeance.  On the up side, I lost about 3 pounds overnight shivering, but I’d prefer not to have a repeat of that horrible night.  I haven’t had a full 5 days off since February.  I am hopeful that it isn’t as bad as I fear, but I’ll still prepare for it being awful. 

I forgot that I haven’t had coffee since Friday = no caffeine.  It took me a bit to remember why I had a headache.  I finally brewed a pot of tea and it is finally starting to go away.  My head is cold so I need to go put on my hat.  Today’s hat is a gorgeous mottled brown from my friend Andrea.  It is lovely & soft and actually fits my little head.  I also kind of look like I have hair when wearing it.  I’ll have to switch to a sun hat as I’ll be outside this afternoon. 

So, today I’m heading off to a friend’s house for some grilling goodness.  I’m in charge of salad & watermelon.  I will try to select a good one.  Watermelon picking is not high on my list of talents though.  Wish me luck.  I am going to try something different with the salad.  In November I put up jars of fire cider.  Today I am going to strain them, they should have been strained and sealed in January, to try in vinaigrette. 

For those who do not know what fire cider is; you take an onion, chop it up & put it in a mason jar, to this you’ll add an entire head of chopped garlic, 3 tablespoons ground turmeric, the zest & juice of an orange, ¼ C. chopped fresh horseradish and a few chili peppers chopped.  Top it all off with cider vinegar, put a lid on & put it in a cabinet to age.  You’ll want to pull it out once a week & shake it up just a bit, no need to go crazy.  You just want to mix it a little so all of the flavor & healthy goodness comes out of the ingredients.  After 8 weeks or so, strain off the solids and put it back in your jar.  Not only is this yummy if you are a spicy individual, but it is really good for you too!  Who says healthy has to be tasteless?

I’ll do a simple vinaigrette with Olive Oil, salt & Pepper.  I am confident this will be loved by the adults and reviled by the children.  They’ll get their own boring salad dressing.  Ah well, I can’t please everyone.  Though in supplication, I did make hibiscus tea which they love.  They especially love it with a strawberry cut up to make it festive.  I’m calling it kid friendly sangria!

Well, I should get going, much to do!  I hope everyone has a happy Memorial Day.  Don't forget to hug a soldier and thank them for protecting our way of life.  If you are driving far, please drive safely.  I love you and would miss you if you were gone.

Love & Hugs for everyone!
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I got a negative score - Woo-Hooo!

Sometimes a negative result is awesome.

It has been awhile since I updated my blog.  My biopsy blissfully came back negative.  It was merely a reactive node.  Hooray! 

I tried to trim my yard today, I only got about 20% done before I ran out of steam.  I think the worst part about treatment is losing my endurance.  I used to be able to do the whole front & side yards in about an hour.  Now I run out of energy 20 minutes in.  That sucks!  I miss being able to dig a whole garden with a digging fork and not run out of team.  I did manage to get the eggplant & about half of the tomato’s potted, but I have a long way to go before I’m done.  I might end up calling a lawn service for the summer. 

Cancer sucks!

Biopsy Day

My dear friend Ruth picked me up early & we first stopped in to the Dalton Clinic for my treatment which takes about an hour.  Then we took off for the gateway building.  After a few false leads, we finally got there.  That place is like a maze.  Every time I need something else done it is in a different part of the maze.  I’m getting better, but I doubt I’ll ever really learn my way around.  They keep renovating and I keep forgetting to bring a bag of bread crumbs.

We finally got to the right place and checked in.  Apparently they didn’t really have many beds available in the radiology unit so I got to go up to a private room on another floor.  Go me! 

I got undressed and put on the  oh so fashionable hospital wear designed to flash the world your hiney. The nurse came in and gave me an IV, my favorite thing in the whole world!  Then they wheeled me down to a very big room with cabinets lining one wall and a sonogram machine in the middle.  Sorry Brian, the cabinets were locked and I was on a table.  Maybe next time.

I should probably describe where this naughty lymph node is located.  It is just inside of the left leg where it attaches to the torso, you know where I’m talking about, the left side of my privates.  This is the most action that area has seen well, ever.  There were 2 doctors, 2 nurses & a resident staring at my privates.  It was unnerving.

The nurses were really nice and we got started and I got prepped.  Carol gave me a lovely cocktail so I wouldn’t feel anything but I was awake the whole time.  Your eyes go wonky for about 30 seconds then everything evened out.  My nurses used the sonogram machine to find the right lymph node.  That took a few minutes as the machine had clarity issues.  They got that ironed out and took a few pictures.  Then the doctors came in and I got to see the gargantuan needle they were going to use.  This needle was significantly larger than the one Daddy uses to inoculate the cattle.  They actually had to slice a little to get the needle in as this was just a guide for the needle that they would use to take the tissue.  They used the sonogram machine so they could see where they were aiming.  It was kind of cool to watch.  Thank heaven I couldn’t feel anything!  It took a few tries to get it aimed properly.  I'm pretty sure the bruise is going to be impressive.  Then they pulled out the needle which would take the tissue, it wasn’t small either.  Damn it took a long time for that needle to go in.  They said there would be a pop as it got through the lymph node.  Apparently the little buggers are kind of tough, they really had to push.  I thought they would come out my leg.

They pulled the needle out, & put the tissue on a slide for the pathology Doctor to check.  She gave them the thumbs up and we were done.  This was easy, I’d be home soon – Not!

Apparently you are not allowed to stand up for 4 hours after this kind of procedure because it takes that long for things to start healing properly.  They want you to have a nice start before you leave the hospital.  They didn’t tell me this until I ate the lovely lunch and drank the fluids they gave me.  Then I needed to use the toilet.  They brought a bed pan.  Oh the humiliation.  It isn’t easy trying to relax enough to urinate in a bowl while sitting on a bed.  I spent my life thinking urinating in a bed just wasn’t acceptable.  Now they were asking me to pee in a bowl, in a bed.  It just wasn’t natural!  This goes against everything I’ve been taught.  It was creepy.  I apologized profusely to the nurse who took the bed pan.  She laughed and said this was nothing.  Well, I still thought it was humiliating.  But then, what do I know?

As soon as I was allowed to get up and dressed, I excused myself to the restroom.  Ah the relief!

Thank heaven for Ruth and her patience.  She sat with her kindle and waited all day for me.  She is a wonderful friend.

Today is my day to recover.  I’m not allowed to lift anything heavy.  I thought a little lounging with a book, then some light cleaning and then to finish packing for my girls weekend in DC.  I do need to go fill a scrip this afternoon, but first a nap.